“I Crossed an Ocean to Love Him. Fell in Love with Myself Instead.”
Anna left Moscow for a man she had never met in person. The year that followed was harder than she expected — and it opened her eyes to who she really is.
Interview by Teona Abuladze · 9 min read
This is the first in a new Shansi series: conversations with women who took a chance. Not success stories — honest conversations about what the risk cost, and what it gave back. Anna is Russian, thirty, and now lives in the United States, married to the man she crossed an ocean for. We’ve kept his name out of it at her request. Her answers have been edited for length and clarity.
Who were you then — not your job, but how you felt?
Light and steady at the same time. I’d just come back to Moscow from Bali. I had lost my job, but I knew for certain I didn’t want to do something only for the money — I wanted to feel out what was mine. I was ready. I felt like I was being held in the universe’s trust.
Had you ever imagined leaving?
I’d done it before, so somewhere deep down I had the sense I wasn’t in Moscow for long. But I had no idea where, or when, or how. I hadn’t even got firmly on my feet yet.
How did you meet?
Completely by accident — like a coincidence of circumstances. I got sick. Properly sick: I couldn’t move, my throat hurt, it went on for a week and nothing helped. So out of boredom I read books, scrolled, and let myself recover. And on a dating site I happened to see this guy. We matched.
There were plenty of men writing to me. But I wrote to him first — and I have a principle that I never write first. I don’t know why I did it.
He didn’t answer straight away. Then we started talking, moved to Telegram, and it turned into this enormous correspondence. When I realised I’d been talking to someone on the other side of the world for five or six hours at a stretch, I thought: something is going on here. There was this connection like we were reading each other’s minds. One starts the sentence, the other finishes it.
That’s when I knew it was him. A thousand percent, no doubt.
When did “come to me” first get said?
Quite quickly. He offered to arrange the visa and for me to come. I had no doubts — though I did think, I can just go and look, and if something goes wrong I can always come back.
What was the hardest part of the decision?
There wasn’t one. Not for a second. It was as if I already knew I needed to be there.
Who tried to talk you out of it?
Everyone. That it was impossible. What if you don’t get on. What if he’s a bad kisser. You haven’t even met. He’s so far away. It isn’t safe. What if he isn’t who he says he is.
Everyone was sceptical, so I stopped telling people anything — there were too many unnecessary questions. And I was a hundred percent certain. It felt like us against the whole world.
Was there a moment you almost changed your mind?
No. The only hard moment was when they refused my visa the first time. I was crushed. I cried a lot. But that was exactly when we pulled together even more.
What did you take with you? What did you leave behind?
I took only the things I needed. And did I leave anything behind? No — I took my people with me. In my heart and in my phone. I call them constantly.
“I took my people with me. In my heart and in my phone.”
How did you say goodbye?
I went to see my parents. We had a really good time together as a family — they didn’t know when they’d see me again. I saw all my girlfriends too. They wished me luck.
Your first day — what do you remember?
I remember it very well. He met me at the airport. It was the first time we’d ever met in person. We hugged and couldn’t let go of each other for a long time, and then went to the car all awkward and shy. I messaged everyone straight away to say I’d landed, that everything was fine. And we drove to his home.
It was a calm feeling.
What surprised you most in the first year?
After I arrived there was a period I call the abyss.
I didn’t understand what was happening. I was empty. There was this feeling of loneliness — I’d be sitting in the car and the tears would just come.
I arrived with expectations. We’d imagined how we’d be together, how we’d travel, how he’d show me the city, how everything would be different. And what actually happened was: I changed my entire life, and for him it was ordinary weekdays. I dropped straight into them. He went to work, and I trailed after him like a tail, because I had no other option. No job, no understanding of anything, alone. And I was asking him for attention — and I know how it works: the more of you there is, the less interesting you become.
When I started staying home alone I was very sad. I’d just lie there curled up in a ball, not understanding what was happening.
My expectations and reality didn’t match. Because I put the relationship first — and not myself.
“I put the relationship first — and not myself.”
What was it like to be dependent?
I wasn’t used to it, and it felt wild and unpleasant. Having to ask for money to be transferred for a manicure — it was hard for me even to write it, let alone say it out loud. So I decided natural nails are much better anyway.
We lived in an area far from shops, parks, anywhere to walk. There was nothing there. I couldn’t work, and to this day that option is closed to me. I didn’t know where I was or what the neighbourhoods were. At weekends he wanted to rest at home, because he had one day off — later we agreed on two — and I’d wait for him so I could try to work out what was going on and where exactly I was.
What was the situation with work and money?
There was no work. Small graphic design jobs now and then. Then I started looking properly and found a project — but since I don’t speak the language I had to look for remote work, which meant time differences and difficulties, so I left that one by mutual agreement. Then another project, where they simply decided not to pay me. That knocked me sideways too. I felt like a stray in the whole situation.
No driver’s licence, no car either. So I was limited in where I could even go.
Was there loneliness? Who did you call?
Yes, I felt lonely the whole time. What saved me were conversations with the people close to me. Luckily I have a lot of girlfriends, and I can call any of them and talk properly, heart to heart. Every day I’d talk to my mum, my sister, my friends, and round again.
In those moments I felt I wasn’t alone.
Did something change between you two, once you were the one who had given everything up?
Yes. I had the feeling I’d sacrificed everything and hadn’t got what I wanted. My expectations weren’t met. And that feeling was running me — as if everyone owed me something. But that isn’t true, and when I started to realise it, a lot changed.
What did you lose that nobody warned you about?
Honestly, I didn’t lose anything. I gained — that experience, and that understanding of myself through another person. Despite all the difficulties, there was a kind of calm in the air. It’s hard to describe.
Was there a point where you felt you were losing yourself? What helped you come back?
Yes, of course there was. But I did everything I could not to fall into that pit. I read a lot, I learned, and little by little I brought myself back. I started working with a psychologist and built a plan to restore myself.
And when I went back to Russia for six months — that was my rebirth. I did several courses. I got my driver’s licence. I learned a profession. I saw all my friends. I filled myself back up. I came back with new strength and a new plan.
“That was my rebirth. I came back with new strength and a new plan.”
What do you miss?
Bali. I lived there three years, it’s my second home, the place where I felt really good. When I’m sad or things are bad, I picture that island and I actually walk around it in my head — those streets, my places. It fills me up.
Who are you here, now?
Right now I’m in a transitional moment, restoring my own foundations. It took me time and experience to understand that.
What do you know about yourself that you wouldn’t have learned if you’d stayed?
That I’m much stronger than I think. And that the most important thing in life is this: wherever you go, you take yourself with you.
“Wherever you go, you take yourself with you.”
Would you do it again?
It’s important to believe in yourself, to have your own money and your own confidence, and not to dissolve into a relationship.
And yes — I’d do it again. A hundred percent.
What would you say to a woman standing in front of the same choice right now, frightened?
Don’t be afraid of anything, and act. If you have that certainty inside you, you’re on the right path.
Was there a woman who held you up?
So many people held me up. I’m grateful to every single person in my life who helped me walk this road.
Anna’s story is the first in this series. If you took a chance that changed your life — or you know a woman who did — we’d like to hear it. Write to us.
